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This is probably one of the most real, personal and honest things i’ve written this year.  And this will be the final post I make before my 2010 New Years Resolutions.  I feel like this has been one of the worst years i’ve lived, traumatic and crazy in several aspects of my life.  My only request in those who read this is do not judge me by what I think or what I did, but embrace the struggles, triumphs, times good and bad and experiences i’m about to share with you.  Don’t read this as a “I hate the world” post, read it and understand what i’ve been through.

In January 2009, I was able to successfully complete my New Years Resolution of flying on an airplane.  And boy, did I fly in 2009.  In fact, I took 5 seperate trips to 5 seperate cities in 2009, spanning 27 days and 11,097 miles.  Some trips were good, some trips were bad, but beyond all, it was nice to just escape for a while.  I went to Las Vegas twice, San Diego, Phoenix, Scottsdale, Los Angeles, Compton, Beverly Hills…I traveled the Southwest quite well.

In March 2009, a combination of circumstances resulted in a ruptured friendship that unfortunatly lasted for most of 2009.  Some friendships can withstand major (we’re talkin’ like hurricane tornado level major) roadbumps though, which has proven true yet again with this one.  We both made significant mistakes, and unfortunatly I chose to make a very bad decision which significantly impacted that friendship.

It wasn’t all bad for the first 3 months of 2009 though.  I bonded very closely with Nicole, more closely than I could’ve ever imagined, and she is by far in my “inner circle” now and I think of her as like a sister to me.  As you’ll hear about later on, Nicole has saved me when i’ve been in some really bad places in 2009.

I decided that 2 trips wasnt enough by the end of March 2009, and chose to schedule a third.  And by June 2009, I was heading for Sunny Arizona to see one of my friends, Nic, who I hadnt seen in a long time.  By this time I had already had Arizona on my “Potential Places” list,  so I was happy to just be there visiting an old friend and checking out the area.  It was an amazing trip, although the plane ride back to Minnesota was somewhat scary with a lightning strike.

In May 2009, I went to a party at Monika’s house.  It was a really fun party, and I think its probably about the time of year when Monika and I began getting closer and made a better friendship for us.  However, I no longer drink 99 Bananas.

The year began getting increasingly worse in Mid-2009.  I was and still am in debt with the IRS for over $1000, my mom (who I was living with) became unemployed once again, and I lost count of how many times shes gotten laid off or fired in the last 5 years.  I began supporting myself in as many ways as I could.  I racked up immense amounts of debt just trying to survive and help out and stay sane.  In fact, all my IRS debt is because I was stupid enough to trust my own mother who I knew could screw me over.

In July 2009, I took a local vacation to Alexandria, MN and had a nice relaxing July 4th.  It’s probably one of the highlights of 2009 that i’d relive over and over again if I had a choice.  It was a great weekend and I truely enjoyed spending time with a family that appreciated me.  I also made a decision in July.  If I was going to move to Arizona, I needed to clear up my past.  And I did.  I cleared up my education as well, and received my G.E.D. because traditional schooling did not work for me, I didnt have the focus, and I just didnt care.

I made several decisions this year that I am still working through.  I feel like i’ve lost trust in some people.  I’ve lost pieces of myself.  I patched problems with more problems.  I turned struggles into battles into wars.  I’ve been told things that have torn me apart for days, made me want to crawl under a rock and die, and just feel miserable.  It’s a horrible feeling to know some decisions you make cannot be reversed, cannot be resolved and will affect you for a very long time.  It’s a horrible feeling when you don’t trust the world, you don’t want to talk to anyone, and you feel like the world is out to get you.

In August 2009, I took another bullet.  I had gotten my promotion at work in June, had worked towards my goals, but I was falling behind on my goal.  Not because I didnt want to move, but because I simply stopped caring.  When I told you I turned Struggles into Battles, this is one of those times.  I was doing what I did back in March, and it had fucked me over then with one friend, and I sure as hell didnt want that to happen again.  I didnt know if I could stop though.

By the time September 2009 came, my self esteem was low…lower than low.  September 2nd came as the unexpected Moving day for me.  My mom decided if I wasnt going to pay all her bills and rent, she was gonna kick me out.  I had never felt as lost, afraid, and hopeless as I did that day, walking to work with all the possessions I could fit into a backpack in 10 minutes, not knowing where I was going to go to sleep that night, not knowing what I could do.  I ended up spending the night at Nicole’s.  Nicole made sure I felt okay and she knew I was in a bad place. 

On September 3rd, I contacted my next savior.  Kimber and I worked at SuperTarget West Saint Paul in 2006 and while working together we formed a great bond and friendship.  Kimber doesnt take shit from people and she speaks her mind when its necessary, which is one of the things I admire most about her.  I remembered her mentioning to call her if I ever needed a place to crash or stay, and I had called her hoping to stay for a night or two.  Two nights turned into four, four into eight, and here I am.  Kimber saved me when I was at my most horrible, lost moment in life, when I had no where to turn and no one to count on.  She’s truely one of my hero’s of this year.  Also worth mentioning for September 2009, I had gotten my Drivers License on the 25th in Anoka.

I’ve been told a lot of things in my life.  Never have I been told more horrible, degrading, and damaging things than this year.  I’ve been called worthless, not good enough, too nice, and a number of other things.  Now have someone support these claims with evidence, and tell me how you’d feel.  This is one of my biggest challenges that i’ve been unable to get over, and to this day still struggle with accepting that someone could think these things about me.  I have given up on very few things in my life, and consider myself a fighter and a strong person.  I have never, ever, felt as weak as I felt the last few months of 2009.

October 2009 rolled around and I was having issues with my Arizona moving plan.  It was beginning to fail.  I was too far behind, too far in debt…..and once again was worrying about what I was going to do.  I had developed another problem in September and October which I kept very private and away from the world.  I wanted to regain some strength, and I pulled myself together by the end of October and my new problem was resolved.  I still felt like I wasnt in control of my life enough though.

On November 13th, I was involved in another traffic accident while heading to dinner.  One of the worst feelings in the world, only pushing me further into a rutt I felt developing.  I was worried about lost wages, and the cost of repair, and I had to ride the bus again.  It was not a good experience for me.  It was one of the turning points in my year where I realized I had lost all the strength and control I thought I had gotten back, and began feeling like I had failed yet again….I began justifying those people who called me not good enough or worthless.

This has been a really tough year for me….I don’t write this for your sympathy or encouragement however, I write it so that you can understand.  I may have been passive agressive with you, downright rude, or have done something else.  I’m sorry to those of you who I may have done that to.  I sit awake at night at least 4 days a week thinking about the mistakes i’ve made this year and how I can’t fix them, and the things people say about me.  The more I think about it all, the worse I feel.  So you might ask why I dont just stop thinking about it?  I can’t necessarily….If I try, it’ll just wake me up in my sleep or i’ll dream about the horrors i’ve experienced this year, the things that have happened that I cannot even put into writing to tell you, the kind of things that can break a person.  The kind of things that I feel like are breaking me, slowly.  I’m not depressed or sad tonight, i’m just thinking about what i’ve endured this year.

I’m not writing this for you or anyone else, i’m writing this in hopes that by putting it on the screen, I can keep my troubles off my mind.  It’s not working though.  Well, it’s well past my bedtime, and I feel like i’ve shared enough about me tonight with you….Let’s hope 2010 is a better year for us all.

…is, as usual, not the greatest.  The things ive done, the last few months, and the future….all things that are scaring the hell out of me right now.  The way things are going is just scarry….I didnt know so much bad and so little good could happen consecutively like has been happening, and I always try and remind myself of how strong of a person I am and how I need to choose to be the strong person I want to be.  It doesnt get me very far in this world, but whatever.  I guess I just need to organize my life, and try and cut the issues out of it.  Not sure how to do that though….I am just lost in a mad, mad world right now.

Two years later, the education thing is finally taken care of.  It took two weeks start to end. I officially motivated myself and accomplished the next to impossible.  Now i’m on the final leg of my goal and i’m frankly scared shitless at this point.  I know I can do it, but at the same time I know its not possible to do from Minnesota and am worried about something going wrong once i’ve quit my job and paid the last bill.  I never dreamed that i’d be able to accomplish the things i’ve done, and I thought i’d feel a lot better about it once I did, but right now i’m not feeling the best about things, just because of all the bullshit going on in life right now.  I’d write more about that, but I am not in the mood.

My last day in Minnesota is tentatively scheduled to be November 29th, 2009.  My last day of work at Big Blue is November 28th, 2009.  Now to just make the money and make it happen.

My life is so crazy.  So so so crazy.  If you’ve read my blog or know anything about me, i’ve been SUPER bummed out about being back in MN and having to wait longer to move and waiting to achieve those few goals I have left…(I really only have 2 goals left, they’re really big ones, and 1 small goal.  I completed my other big goal last month and am waiting on confirmation that it’s done).  I have set August 10th as my new goal date for my #1 priority goal.  October 15th, 2009 is my new goal date for my #2 priority goal.  I am starting to have a mood upswing here with the days events.

Feeling bored and adventurous and reasoning with myself….I headed back over to Northwest Airines and booked another round of adventure in Arizona.  This time, 2 days longer.  Reasoning behind this strategic positioning is, 2 months from the date of my next trip, I will be safely done working here in Minnesota and be focusing on packing, and 1.5 months I will be in AZ for about a week and a half signing my lease and doing interviews.  I have NOT budgeted time in here for a Plan Relapse or Failure, which is something I will be addressing in early September.  Anything can happen but I need to make sure that I am prepared for everything.

So while at work today (work is becoming funner, haha, I was tasking all day but I worked with the good manager and we were joking all day) I get an awesome call and invitation to join a friend of mine up at the cabin in Alexandria for the 4th of July Weekend.  Who isn’t going to say Yes to that?  Well, me.  I said “Hold on, let me make a few calls”.  Within 15 minutes, i’d eliminated 2 days worth of work shifts and called my friend back and said “Hell Yes”.  Just as a sidenote, my elimination of these shifts does in no way drastically change or upset my moving/spending/savings plans.  So i’m pretty excited and looking forward to that.

What other good things could have possibly happened?  I called AT&T regarding my cellular phone service and the disruptions I had been experiencing.  They gave me a $25 credit.  I got home and discovered a $75 credit to my account from our AT&T Rep.  I love my job and my reps, they take care of me so I take care of them .

After lastnights post, its kind of weird to me that I can write such a good post with a positive attitude.  Good times and Noodle Salad, as they say.  Less than 175 days until the move, and lots of fun on my path.

Okay, so I feel like I need to explain this never ending mood i’ve been in since I got back from my trip.  To do this, you need a bit of backstory and a basic knowledge of my ways of thinking.  I have been indifferent for about the last year with my life and have just kind of been floating through it.  So this Spring when Brianna, Steve and I traveled to San Diego, I had a kind of feeling awaken with me and suddenly felt the need to make a major change.  Literally, in about a week and a half I had an action plan.  Within 3 weeks, I had a place decided.  When I want to do something really bad, I move on it, and I move quickly.  If you know me, you know I dont like waiting and do anything possible to prevent waiting.  I simply hate having to wait.  Now, lets elaborate on why i’ve been in such a never ending strange mood.

I landed in Phoenix and saw my friend that I havent seen in over a year.   I was super happy that we could finally catch up, because we have literally the same personality and our relationship is best described as similar to mine and Nicole’s…we talk about and tell eachother everything.  So it was nice to finally be able to catch up on all that bullshit thats been going on since he moved and how I can explain all the bullshit thats been going on since this spring with me.  So that was super awesome.

Also that weekend, I had a ridiculously insane amount of fun and unknown freedom to me and I think that may also be why i’m feeling so down and out since coming home.  I cant just blast the music in my house and relax with a drink, because the crazy one is always listening, always judging, and always criticising me.  I liked being able to just kind of chillax the way I wanted without any other person interfering and kinda just being able to let loose for a weekend.  It was awesome.

The weather was absolutley amazing and affected my mood in the best way possible.  I made a few phone calls that weekend, and almost every person (including Nicole, who knows me best) told me I sound a ton happier.  I was extremely pleased to be in Arizona, extremely pleased to see my friend, extremely pleased to have freedom, and extremely pleased and excited at the places I chose that I want to live.

When I left Arizona to go back to Minnesota, I felt like I was gonna have some sort of breakdown on the plane because I didnt want to leave the new life I plan on having.  I didnt want to have to wait another 5 months.  I didnt want to return to my worry about whether or not my mom will pay her share of bills and rent.  I didnt want to think about what might happen if she doesnt and I stop…I didnt want these things, and it all just kinda crashed on me right there on the plane.  It killed my mood, and it keeps flowing through my mind even now.  And it’s giving an obvious affect on my mood, and people are noticing and wondering whats wrong.  Well, I am just feeling extremely doomed and down sort of, and i’m worried…i’m really worried about the whole processes that I havent completed yet, that I wanted done now, and I feel like i’ll never be able to do them, and no one else knows how it feels.

People are criticising me though…a lot, since i’ve gotten home.  My mom is calling me a selfish child for wanting to move.  My friends are telling me they don’t really think I can do it.  Theres only a handful of people who actually are supporting my decision fully….Nicole, Kristen, Christina, and Nic.  Everyone else makes comments on it but they have that tone of doubt in their voice or they dont believe in me, and i’m sorry but FUCK you if you can claim to call yourself my friend and you have no faith in me.  I have absolutley no interest in hearing bullshit from people who don’t believe in me, cause guess what, one way or another, the year 2009 is ending with me in Arizona, even if I have to be a fucking panhandling bum on the corner of a city street.

I fall asleep and wake up every day this week thinking about it, worrying about whats next and if I can pass the tests.  If I pass the tests, I can make a resume.  If I pass the tests, I can concentrate on my drivers license only.  If I pass the tests, I can breathe easier knowing that I have more oppourtunities available to me.  I need some god damn confidence in myself.  I need some time to deal with the fact that I will be here another 5 months, under conditions that i’m no longer able to handle the same way as before I saw what my life will be like.  I just need some time, and I cant have that time because i’m on a timetable here, and I just need to cope and deal with it any way possible.

I didnt mean to make this such a giganticly long post…I normally don’t write this much, but I need people to know why i’m so different, why I feel so shitty and why it won’t be going away for a while….when I pass the test, I will drill into the next part of my plan, and I will succeed.  But for now, I need to try and relax, try and be okay with being here, and i’ll hopefully be able to sustain myself until my next visit to AZ.  Thank you for reading and understanding me now, I hope this clears some things up.

I will be departing in 3 short days once again on another adventure.  This adventure will be filmed at various parts and uploaded online a few days after my return.  In other news, I interviewed and got a promotion at work.  It was either going to be Nicole or I, and I would’ve been happy either way .  I also sold my iPhone 3G today so that I can get the iPhone 3G S on Friday before I leave.  I’m pretty excited about that.  But thats all…just a short update.

This title seemed pretty appropriate, seeing as I havent blogged in quite a while.  What can I say, i’ve been busy working, sleeping, and pretending I give a shit about the same things I gave a shit about when May began.  I know, I need to care and need to stick to my plans but lately i’ve been in this “Hey, Fuck you” kind of mood…I love and hate it at the same time.

I havent been on a normal sleeping schedule in a while and i’m really feeling its toll on my body….even though I make sure to get at least like 6-9 hours of sleep per night, for some reason i’ve been beginning to feel more drained lately.  Nicole keeps telling me I should get back on a normal schedule, but by doing that it makes me feel like i’m losing time because of how much i’ve been working.

I’ve been trying to organize my thoughts on my life and my goals and stuff, and i’m at a standstill of “I don’t give a fuck anymore”….I can’t figure out why.  I really need to relax relax for a good long time, but I know that I cannot because hey, guess what, the IRS wants their money back, the rent needs to be paid along wth half a dozen other bills, the evil one is unemployed again, my savings plan is fucked up and my credit cards make me sick to think about.  I need my moving plan to work, but right now, I have no faith in it, in my ability to do anything required to get there, and ive virtually stopped working on Step 2 which is not okay, but hey, guess what, no ones gonna beat me up over it.

I like to blog a lot when im feeling down, haha…and even though I started this out on a positive note, I would like to end it on a neutral note.  Things might not be going well in my life, and I may hate my most recent biggest decisions, but when I take a look at the grand scheme of things…I could’ve run away overnight and never looked back…and I didnt.  Trust me, I considered it several times .  With that, Goodnight, and keep up with my Facebook and Twitter for the latest.

I sit here, with my new lifeplan laid out in front of me, 2 Critical Steps Left, 1 Easy to Attain, the other slightly harder.  My plan has changed substantially over the last 48 hours.  A common dream unites two friends.  Thats what has happened.  A common range has been formed.  That has happened.  A common visit will happen.  Coming in July.

All kinds of things are happening in my life right now.  Sitting here during the twilight, thinking about it, I have decided it’s time to face the very real reality that I will be departing on an adventure i’ve been preparing for all of my life.  I will finally begin to succeed, to live, to enjoy life, and I will finally set myself free and live the way I was meant to live.  This is a time of great uncertainty for me.   A revised plan will be available on AZP starting Thursday Night or Friday Early Morning detailing these changes and what they mean for me and my new life.

On a lighter note, I watched the movie Twilight and loved it.  Bought it on BluRay Disc.  I will likely watch it another 5000 times on the new HDTV and think about how amazing of a movie it is.  If you havent seen it yet, I suggest you check it out.

Sitting in bed…1:25am once again…thinking about life, what i’ve done, what I want to do, and how i’m going to accomplish it.  My blog, tweets and chats are full of this kind of talk recently…i’m really nervous about the future, and talking about it (as annoying as it gets to me and i’m sure others) relaxes me a bit.  What’s life going to be like when i’m on my own?  Who will I talk to?  Will I miss home?

There are those that doubt me (my family, some of my friends) and then there are those who support me (my coworkers, my other friends, and others who’ve done what i’m going to do).  I really like the fact that i’ve had this decision made and finalized for over 5 weeks now (which is still rather short period of time) and i’m following through on my goals.  There is one goal that I have not gotten the courage to do yet though.  I’m currently seeking help with getting it accomplished, and my friend Nicole is really my hero for her help on it.  Nicole is actually my hero in a lot of things…she’s one of those friends that you know well enough that when there is a silence, its not awkward…and she does a lot to help me reach my goals, and encourages me.  I’ve never had a co-worker who’s become so much of a friend, at least not for a really long time.

I’m going to make it, and i’m on the right path now.  I can feel it.  Thanks to those who are supporting my decisons and helping me pave the way into my future.