My life is so crazy.  So so so crazy.  If you’ve read my blog or know anything about me, i’ve been SUPER bummed out about being back in MN and having to wait longer to move and waiting to achieve those few goals I have left…(I really only have 2 goals left, they’re really big ones, and 1 small goal.  I completed my other big goal last month and am waiting on confirmation that it’s done).  I have set August 10th as my new goal date for my #1 priority goal.  October 15th, 2009 is my new goal date for my #2 priority goal.  I am starting to have a mood upswing here with the days events.

Feeling bored and adventurous and reasoning with myself….I headed back over to Northwest Airines and booked another round of adventure in Arizona.  This time, 2 days longer.  Reasoning behind this strategic positioning is, 2 months from the date of my next trip, I will be safely done working here in Minnesota and be focusing on packing, and 1.5 months I will be in AZ for about a week and a half signing my lease and doing interviews.  I have NOT budgeted time in here for a Plan Relapse or Failure, which is something I will be addressing in early September.  Anything can happen but I need to make sure that I am prepared for everything.

So while at work today (work is becoming funner, haha, I was tasking all day but I worked with the good manager and we were joking all day) I get an awesome call and invitation to join a friend of mine up at the cabin in Alexandria for the 4th of July Weekend.  Who isn’t going to say Yes to that?  Well, me.  I said “Hold on, let me make a few calls”.  Within 15 minutes, i’d eliminated 2 days worth of work shifts and called my friend back and said “Hell Yes”.  Just as a sidenote, my elimination of these shifts does in no way drastically change or upset my moving/spending/savings plans.  So i’m pretty excited and looking forward to that.

What other good things could have possibly happened?  I called AT&T regarding my cellular phone service and the disruptions I had been experiencing.  They gave me a $25 credit.  I got home and discovered a $75 credit to my account from our AT&T Rep.  I love my job and my reps, they take care of me so I take care of them .

After lastnights post, its kind of weird to me that I can write such a good post with a positive attitude.  Good times and Noodle Salad, as they say.  Less than 175 days until the move, and lots of fun on my path.

Okay, so I feel like I need to explain this never ending mood i’ve been in since I got back from my trip.  To do this, you need a bit of backstory and a basic knowledge of my ways of thinking.  I have been indifferent for about the last year with my life and have just kind of been floating through it.  So this Spring when Brianna, Steve and I traveled to San Diego, I had a kind of feeling awaken with me and suddenly felt the need to make a major change.  Literally, in about a week and a half I had an action plan.  Within 3 weeks, I had a place decided.  When I want to do something really bad, I move on it, and I move quickly.  If you know me, you know I dont like waiting and do anything possible to prevent waiting.  I simply hate having to wait.  Now, lets elaborate on why i’ve been in such a never ending strange mood.

I landed in Phoenix and saw my friend that I havent seen in over a year.   I was super happy that we could finally catch up, because we have literally the same personality and our relationship is best described as similar to mine and Nicole’s…we talk about and tell eachother everything.  So it was nice to finally be able to catch up on all that bullshit thats been going on since he moved and how I can explain all the bullshit thats been going on since this spring with me.  So that was super awesome.

Also that weekend, I had a ridiculously insane amount of fun and unknown freedom to me and I think that may also be why i’m feeling so down and out since coming home.  I cant just blast the music in my house and relax with a drink, because the crazy one is always listening, always judging, and always criticising me.  I liked being able to just kind of chillax the way I wanted without any other person interfering and kinda just being able to let loose for a weekend.  It was awesome.

The weather was absolutley amazing and affected my mood in the best way possible.  I made a few phone calls that weekend, and almost every person (including Nicole, who knows me best) told me I sound a ton happier.  I was extremely pleased to be in Arizona, extremely pleased to see my friend, extremely pleased to have freedom, and extremely pleased and excited at the places I chose that I want to live.

When I left Arizona to go back to Minnesota, I felt like I was gonna have some sort of breakdown on the plane because I didnt want to leave the new life I plan on having.  I didnt want to have to wait another 5 months.  I didnt want to return to my worry about whether or not my mom will pay her share of bills and rent.  I didnt want to think about what might happen if she doesnt and I stop…I didnt want these things, and it all just kinda crashed on me right there on the plane.  It killed my mood, and it keeps flowing through my mind even now.  And it’s giving an obvious affect on my mood, and people are noticing and wondering whats wrong.  Well, I am just feeling extremely doomed and down sort of, and i’m worried…i’m really worried about the whole processes that I havent completed yet, that I wanted done now, and I feel like i’ll never be able to do them, and no one else knows how it feels.

People are criticising me though…a lot, since i’ve gotten home.  My mom is calling me a selfish child for wanting to move.  My friends are telling me they don’t really think I can do it.  Theres only a handful of people who actually are supporting my decision fully….Nicole, Kristen, Christina, and Nic.  Everyone else makes comments on it but they have that tone of doubt in their voice or they dont believe in me, and i’m sorry but FUCK you if you can claim to call yourself my friend and you have no faith in me.  I have absolutley no interest in hearing bullshit from people who don’t believe in me, cause guess what, one way or another, the year 2009 is ending with me in Arizona, even if I have to be a fucking panhandling bum on the corner of a city street.

I fall asleep and wake up every day this week thinking about it, worrying about whats next and if I can pass the tests.  If I pass the tests, I can make a resume.  If I pass the tests, I can concentrate on my drivers license only.  If I pass the tests, I can breathe easier knowing that I have more oppourtunities available to me.  I need some god damn confidence in myself.  I need some time to deal with the fact that I will be here another 5 months, under conditions that i’m no longer able to handle the same way as before I saw what my life will be like.  I just need some time, and I cant have that time because i’m on a timetable here, and I just need to cope and deal with it any way possible.

I didnt mean to make this such a giganticly long post…I normally don’t write this much, but I need people to know why i’m so different, why I feel so shitty and why it won’t be going away for a while….when I pass the test, I will drill into the next part of my plan, and I will succeed.  But for now, I need to try and relax, try and be okay with being here, and i’ll hopefully be able to sustain myself until my next visit to AZ.  Thank you for reading and understanding me now, I hope this clears some things up.

I will be departing in 3 short days once again on another adventure.  This adventure will be filmed at various parts and uploaded online a few days after my return.  In other news, I interviewed and got a promotion at work.  It was either going to be Nicole or I, and I would’ve been happy either way .  I also sold my iPhone 3G today so that I can get the iPhone 3G S on Friday before I leave.  I’m pretty excited about that.  But thats all…just a short update.

This title seemed pretty appropriate, seeing as I havent blogged in quite a while.  What can I say, i’ve been busy working, sleeping, and pretending I give a shit about the same things I gave a shit about when May began.  I know, I need to care and need to stick to my plans but lately i’ve been in this “Hey, Fuck you” kind of mood…I love and hate it at the same time.

I havent been on a normal sleeping schedule in a while and i’m really feeling its toll on my body….even though I make sure to get at least like 6-9 hours of sleep per night, for some reason i’ve been beginning to feel more drained lately.  Nicole keeps telling me I should get back on a normal schedule, but by doing that it makes me feel like i’m losing time because of how much i’ve been working.

I’ve been trying to organize my thoughts on my life and my goals and stuff, and i’m at a standstill of “I don’t give a fuck anymore”….I can’t figure out why.  I really need to relax relax for a good long time, but I know that I cannot because hey, guess what, the IRS wants their money back, the rent needs to be paid along wth half a dozen other bills, the evil one is unemployed again, my savings plan is fucked up and my credit cards make me sick to think about.  I need my moving plan to work, but right now, I have no faith in it, in my ability to do anything required to get there, and ive virtually stopped working on Step 2 which is not okay, but hey, guess what, no ones gonna beat me up over it.

I like to blog a lot when im feeling down, haha…and even though I started this out on a positive note, I would like to end it on a neutral note.  Things might not be going well in my life, and I may hate my most recent biggest decisions, but when I take a look at the grand scheme of things…I could’ve run away overnight and never looked back…and I didnt.  Trust me, I considered it several times .  With that, Goodnight, and keep up with my Facebook and Twitter for the latest.

I sit here, with my new lifeplan laid out in front of me, 2 Critical Steps Left, 1 Easy to Attain, the other slightly harder.  My plan has changed substantially over the last 48 hours.  A common dream unites two friends.  Thats what has happened.  A common range has been formed.  That has happened.  A common visit will happen.  Coming in July.

All kinds of things are happening in my life right now.  Sitting here during the twilight, thinking about it, I have decided it’s time to face the very real reality that I will be departing on an adventure i’ve been preparing for all of my life.  I will finally begin to succeed, to live, to enjoy life, and I will finally set myself free and live the way I was meant to live.  This is a time of great uncertainty for me.   A revised plan will be available on AZP starting Thursday Night or Friday Early Morning detailing these changes and what they mean for me and my new life.

On a lighter note, I watched the movie Twilight and loved it.  Bought it on BluRay Disc.  I will likely watch it another 5000 times on the new HDTV and think about how amazing of a movie it is.  If you havent seen it yet, I suggest you check it out.

“It’s been 18 days…” since my last blog post.  So I figured it’s time to give some sort of update, right?  It’s been a busy month for me, i’ve been working a lot, paid off some debt (but not for long…more on that later), and pretty much relaxing and planning the future.  I’m finally getting stuff done it feels like and i’ve never felt better in my life.

So I paid off some debt and had lots of available credit for about a week and a half until my manager offered me an amazing deal on a HDTV…so I bought that (cause it was $800 less than I budgeted to spend later this year) and a blu ray player, harmony remote, all that good stuff.  But thats okay with me, i’m now working on paying the IRS off as well as paying these cards back down, which i’ll do and we can begin saving once again for the big move.  I have setup a small yet important website i’ve given to my closest friends, I use it to organize information and things I need/they may like to see regarding my move.

I’ve also been closely watching this Swine Flu Outbreak/Pandemic thing.  Kind of scary…it started out really small but has been getting bigger and bigger as the days go on.  No suspected/confirmed cases in Minnesota yet, but the list of states is huge.  I think they added 7 new states today alone to the list.

Other than that, i’ve just been living life as usual.  But it’s almost 2am and i’m sleepy, I will update y’all again soon!

18 days, blu-ray, flu, H1N1, influenza, projects, swine, television, update

Sitting in bed…1:25am once again…thinking about life, what i’ve done, what I want to do, and how i’m going to accomplish it.  My blog, tweets and chats are full of this kind of talk recently…i’m really nervous about the future, and talking about it (as annoying as it gets to me and i’m sure others) relaxes me a bit.  What’s life going to be like when i’m on my own?  Who will I talk to?  Will I miss home?

There are those that doubt me (my family, some of my friends) and then there are those who support me (my coworkers, my other friends, and others who’ve done what i’m going to do).  I really like the fact that i’ve had this decision made and finalized for over 5 weeks now (which is still rather short period of time) and i’m following through on my goals.  There is one goal that I have not gotten the courage to do yet though.  I’m currently seeking help with getting it accomplished, and my friend Nicole is really my hero for her help on it.  Nicole is actually my hero in a lot of things…she’s one of those friends that you know well enough that when there is a silence, its not awkward…and she does a lot to help me reach my goals, and encourages me.  I’ve never had a co-worker who’s become so much of a friend, at least not for a really long time.

I’m going to make it, and i’m on the right path now.  I can feel it.  Thanks to those who are supporting my decisons and helping me pave the way into my future.

Back in the daily grind of things.  The last few days of work have been exceptionally shitty.  People are just bitching like crazy about every little thing.  But yeah, whatever.  This has been an exciting few days.  I’ve made my relocation plans known to my family…They don’t support them, but they accept that its ultimately my decision and wished me luck.  And tonight, I booked the airline ticket to visit the place I chose, which I havent really announced yet to anyone but select few people do know.  I learned my lesson from San Diego…When an airline ticket drops $70, you buy NOW, not LATER.  Lol, this ticket was like on super sale compared to the previously quoted prices I got, and I got Window Seats.

Time to begin saving…and time for me to go to sleep!!

This is going to be a really hard week.  I’m trying to distract myself anyway possible…my mom was having strange symptoms yesterday, and could barely walk/randomly was falling over and had blurry vision.  She went to the hospital and was diagnosed as having a brain aneurysm that thankfully hasnt ruptured yet, but could rupture at any time.  Two thirds of people with brain aneurysms die.  So it’s incredibly gloomy, my brother, sister, and I have been falling apart since we found out lastnight, and my mom is very upset obviously but planning for the worst.  She goes to see a neurologist for an emergency appointment tomorrow morning so they can decide the best type of brain surgery and/or coil treatment for her.  But if I seem upset, distant, or whatever, this is why.  Please hope for the best with me.  We should know something by the end of the week.

Today is kind of a bittersweet day.  I ended a two and a half year friendship.  With a blast.  Saying this trip I just got back from went well would be just plain lying.  While it had its various moments, it had many MANY more critically bad moments.  I’m not going to go into details of that on here, but lets just say that I would’ve much rather just stayed in Minnesota and worked vs. spent the money for the Ticket/Car/Hotel.  But I cannot take that part of this back, and I don’t regret going on this trip, it was a nice “pre-ending” thing to do.

I don’t feel bad for what happened today.  It was exceptionally nasty…I knew when we finally ended things it would’nt be easy, cause we were such good friends for such a long time.  As I write this, I can’t help but still feel exceptionally angry this evening, but at the same time I can’t help but also feel proud and good to have known that person.  She was a great friend for much of the time we knew eachother, and things didnt start going downhill till about 7-11 months ago, somewhere in there.  They werent ever as bad as they’ve been getting though.  Some people will blame it on new friendships and new relationships, new life events, the natural event of growing apart, etc….I don’t exactly know what caused it, maybe it was my fault, maybe it wasnt…all I can say is that I feel nice tonight finally knowing that I dont have to worry about being fake and trying to smile/be happy when i’m really feeling angry/mad or mistreated.

It all ended over a bitter dispute over baggage…How crazy is that?!?  I think the baggage was more or less just the “final straw” to break the way i’ve been feeling for a very long time and a way for me to just go ahead and do what needed to be done.  I’m 20 years old and capable of managing my own life to the extent I need to, and don’t need the negativity that was coming towards me ALL THE TIME.

With that, I just wanted to say i’m not going to use Facebook or Twitter to make slanderous, rude, or otherwise immature comments towards that person.  I apologize to anyone who has had to read those comments directed at me and would like to thank those who have texted me echoing your feelings on how immature they were and showing your support for my actions in ending this friendship today.   Thanks again, and i’ll make another post shortly.  Photos from said trip will be uploaded online within the next two days to Facebook.